Sleep Divorce May Be The Solution For Better Sleep

There are some things that you shouldn’t compromise in a marriage, one of them being sleep. Adults in the United States are already sleep deprived with around 30 percent reporting they get less than the recommended seven hours per day. When you don’t get enough sleep, you’re not as alert or attentive the next day.

There are many reasons why people don’t get enough sleep with the most popular reasons being stress and/or just staying up late watching TV. For couples, another common reason for sleep deprivation is due to the sleep patterns of their partner. If this sounds like you, it might be time for a sleep divorce.

What is a Sleep Divorce?

Okay, so what the heck is a sleep divorce? Essentially, it’s a sleep arrangement where the couple sleeps separately from each other either in separate beds or separate rooms. For many couples, the idea of sleeping in separate beds or rooms might set off alarm bells. After all, isn’t that what couples do when they’re heading towards an actual breakup?

However, for many people a sleep divorce might actually be the key to strengthening their relationship. When you’re sleep deprived, you aren’t able to regulate your emotions as well and you may end up snapping more at your partner. Getting a good night’s sleep on your new organic mattress can make you a more pleasant person to be around. For those worried about sex, it might even improve your sex life as you or your partner won’t be as exhausted!

The Growing Sleep Divorce Trend

While many couples might not admit it publicly, the sleep divorce trend continues to grow. A National Sleep Foundation poll found that one in ten couples sleep in separate rooms and close to one in four married couples sleep in separate beds. For some people, this might signal that many marriages are on the rocks. However, that’s not always the case. Sleeping in separate beds isn’t (always) because a couple doesn’t love each other any more. With that said, there are definitely some respondents who have deep relationship issues and no longer sleep together.

There’s also a growing trend of custom built homes with separate master bedrooms. A survey from the National Association of Home Builders found that buyers looking for two full master bedrooms increased to 40 percent in 2018. While some of this could be accounted for couples who want to sleep in separate rooms, there’s also a growing trend of multigenerational households. In fact, in 2016 the number of multigenerational households, those with two or more adult generations, hit 20 percent!

Why Would I Need a Sleep Divorce?

Even if you and your partner aren’t having relationship issues, there are plenty of reasons why you might want separate sleeping arrangements. Some of the most common reasons include:

Snoring - there’s nothing worse than dealing with a loud snorer. While you can try to gently adjust your partner’s position to one that is less likely to induce snoring, it’s not always possible. Even if you try to go to sleep earlier than your partner, loud snoring can wake you up, leading to fragmented sleep. If you notice that your partner stops breathing sometimes when sleeping, you should have them go to sleep specialist to see if they have sleep apnea.
Incompatible sleep preferences - do you prefer your room hot but your partner likes it cold or vice versa? Maybe your partner works late but you have to get up early for work. These mismatched preferences can lead to sleep issues for you and your partner. You can try to adjust, but if you have issues like opposite work schedules, it can be difficult to come up with a compromise
Sleeping habits - maybe your partner steals the covers in the middle of the night leaving you freezing or perhaps they just move around a lot. All of these can disturb your sleep and leave you grouchy the next morning.

Even if you don’t deal with any of these issues, you might just prefer having your own space for sleeping. Maybe having someone else in bed with you makes it harder to sleep. Whatever the reason, sleeping in separate beds or rooms might be in your best interest. After all, you can’t be your best self if you’re constantly tired. Plus, there are serious complications that arise from sleep deprivation.

Sleep Deprivation

As mentioned earlier, around 30 percent of adults don’t get enough sleep. If you fall into this category, it’s important you start making changes to your lifestyle immediately. Restorative sleep is crucial to your mental and physical well-being. You probably are familiar with the short term side effects of sleep deprivation such as:

Drowsiness
Lack of concentration
Reduced coordination
Irritability
Increased appetite
Mood changes

The longer you go without sleep, the stronger these side effects. In fact, if you stay awake for a full 24 hours the effects are the same as having a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.10 percent. That might not sound high, but consider that it is illegal to drive with a BAC of 0.08 percent or more. You are putting yourself and others at risk, especially if you decide to drive or operate heavy machinery while being sleep deprived. In fact, drowsy driving accounts for 83,000 crashes, 37,000 injury crashes, and 886 fatal crashes a year.

Sleep deprivation doesn’t just have short term consequences. If you don’t get enough sleep on a consistent basis, it can lead to serious long term side effects such as:

Increased risk of heart attack and stroke
Rapid weight gain that could lead to obesity
Increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes
Decreased memory and brain function
General loss of motivation
Decreased fertility
Lowered immune system

Is Sleeping In Separate Beds Bad For Relationships?

If co-sleeping is responsible for one or both partners experiencing sleep deprivation, it’s a good idea to sleep in separate beds or separate rooms. Not only will it help your health, it could also help your relationship! Sure, it might be nice to share a bed and cuddle with your significant other at night, but this could be the cause of serious issues.

Less sleep can put more strain on the relationship. Think about it. Every time your partner stays up late watching TV, steals the covers, or keeps you up with the snoring it leads to a bit of resentment as you are trying to hold someone accountable for something that is out of their control (for the most part). Even if you’re not blaming them, lack of sleep makes you more irritable and moody, which can strain your relationship.

Consider sleeping in separate beds to strengthen relationship

While sleeping together is certainly a sign of intimacy, the history of co-sleeping as couples has a complicated history. In the past, sleeping together was often out of necessity due to limited space. It was only the upper echelon who even had more than one bed and even then they would sleep with their servants so if the lords or ladies needed anything, the servants could respond immediately. It wasn’t until the 19th century that separate bedrooms became normal and up until the 1970s many couples slept in separate twin beds. It wasn’t until after the 70s that the resurgence of co-sleeping happened and continues to this day.

Of course, there are benefits to co-sleeping. Cuddling or sleeping next to your partner releases the chemical oxytocin which can create a feeling of closeness with your significant other. If you can sleep properly, it can also have a good effect on your health as it helps lower your stress and blood pressure, boosts your immune system, reduces anxiety, and can improve sleep quality.

It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons of sleeping in the same bed or separate ones. If you’re not getting a good night’s sleep every night, then it might be in your and your relationship’s best interest to sleep separately. This can be a difficult topic to broach, especially if your partner has no idea that you’re dealing with sleep deprivation. If you want the sleep divorce for yourself, it’s important to consider the timing and tone of your voice. You should also have a clear understanding of why you want to sleep separately while also letting your partner know that this is not an act of rejection. When bringing up this topic, make sure you set aside enough time for both of you to talk it through and make sure to also listen to your partner and do your best to put their mind at ease.

Don’t Forget to Spend Time Together

Sleeping apart doesn’t mean you still can’t cuddle or be together. If the act of co-sleeping is important to your partner, you can compromise and sleep on the days where you will have to get up the next day and sleep together on the weekends. If it’s more the cuddling aspect, you can still chat and cuddle before bed to keep that ritual alive. That way you can still share in the same intimacy even if you don’t sleep in the same room or bed. You can also increase other forms of physical closeness such as showering together or just hanging out in the same room or couch when watching a show.

If you’re worried about sex, don’t be. Sure, most people often have sex in the bedroom before falling asleep so you’ll need to put in a bit more effort. This might mean scheduling sex. Sure, it doesn’t sound ‘intimate’ at first, but consciously setting aside time for sex can actually help eah partner focus more on each other and not worry about other pressing items. Plus, it also provides an opportunity for the two of you to discuss the days of the week and times of the day that are ideal for the both of you.

Of course, not everyone has enough space to sleep in a separate room or have a separate bed. For those living in small apartments, you’ll have to find a compromise. Maybe that means investing in a white noise machine to drown out the snoring or having additional blankets on the bed so those who get chilly can have an extra layer. If you or your partner has a disruptive sleep order like sleep apnea, it might be time to talk with a sleep specialist to get it in order.

Improve Your Sleep Hygiene

Of course, a sleep divorce is completely useless if you have bad sleeping habits yourself! In order to get the most out of it, you should set a good routine and improve your sleep hygiene if you don’t already. In fact, you should first try this before deciding to sleep in separate beds and rooms if you haven’t already as it might be your own bad sleeping habits that are keeping you up. Here are some habits that can improve your sleep health:

Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, including the weekend. Your brain and body don’t understand the difference between a work week and weekend so if you suddenly sleep in late on Saturday, it will have a hard time readjusting to the early wake up time during the work week.
Make sure your bedroom is conducive to sleeping. Put drapes on your window to block out any outside light and make sure the room is a comfortable temperature for sleep.
Get rid of all electronics in the bedroom. That includes your TV, phone, and laptop. The blue light messes up your internal clock and these electronics also serve as a distraction from sleep.
Avoid eating large meals and drinking caffeine or alcohol before bed.
Get some exercise earlier in the day. Being physically active can help you fall asleep. Just avoid working out too close to bedtime.

If you find that you can’t fall asleep at night, give yourself around 15 minutes. If you can’t get to bed, go to another room and read or listen to some relaxing music and try again in 30-45 minutes. You want to avoid linking poor sleep quality with your bed as your mind will start worrying about not being able to sleep when you get into bed.

Quality Sleep Is Important Even If You Have To Consider A Sleep Divorce

Not all couples need a sleep divorce. However, if your sleep deprivation is caused by your partner then it might be time to consider your options. When you bring the idea up to your partner, make sure to be kind. You don’t want them to feel as though the relationship is falling apart when you really just need to sleep separately in order to get a good night’s sleep!

It might feel strange at first, but before long you’ll start seeing the benefits of sleeping separately. Your partner might as well! Just remember not to neglect physical intimacy throughout the day to keep the flames stoked.